Thoughts on Personal Success

Help, I Don't Know What I Want!

If you are at one of those places in your life where you really don't know what you want; then reading about how a coach can help probably has you frustrated and thinking "I don't know what I want so how can someone help me get it"?

If you don't know what you want; a coach can actually help you figure it out. Or if you prefer doing it yourself - try this exercise. This works best if you do it with a trusted friend but if you have to do it alone – write it out. For ten minutes (minimum) describe your life in 5 years but in the present tense. In other words, describe where you live, what you do, who you live with, where you vacationed – whatever! Describe it fully but do not use the phrases "I will" or "I hope to" - it is present tense all the way. "I live in..., I work at ..., I have ...". It is fun to do with a friend because you will probably find that you get very engaged and very passionate as you describe it to them. The role of the friend is simply to ask you to clarify what you want exactly, to ask you describe in more detail, and to prompt you about areas of your life that you haven't described. (You can reference the list of life areas in this post ). The role of the friend is not to tell you that you can or can't have what you want, and you must not censor yourself. Do not think "I can't do that". Just describe your life as you want it to be in five years. Once you have your life description - then the fun begins!

What Is Coaching?

Originally posted on 17/07/2009

Have you ever felt that you don’t know what you want in life? Seriously – have you? Are you at that point now? Have you ever wanted someone to talk to? The equivalent of the high school guidance counselor (a good one) might come in handy once in a while in adult life! There is an option – you can hire a coach.

Several years ago when I first heard about coaching, I was a little skeptical - why would anyone need to work with a coach? In my case, I have been interested in personal success (personal development) for about twenty years. I have gone to seminars and read books, and usually have been relatively successful in setting goals and achieving them to change my life. Not always in the easiest way - like most people, I have made good choices and really bad choices. But overall, if I really wanted to change something about my life - I did change it. So why would anyone need a coach? As I started to learn more about coaching, I started to think about it in a different context. Jack Canfield made the statement that "personal development or motivational seminars without follow-up coaching are nothing more than entertainment". In many ways, he is right. I don't doubt that everyone who attends seminars takes something away; but if you really want to change your life, then there are times when you need some help. That holds true whether or not you go to a seminar – sometimes there are spots in life where you can use some help and that’s where working with a coach can come in. A coach helps you identify what you want and then helps you make plans and assists in keeping you on track to get where you want to go. Coaches specialize in various ways. There are personal coaches, business coaches, parenting coaches, divorce coaches, executive coaches, and on and on.

To give you a bit of context on what coaching is; here is what it is not. Coaching is different from therapy. Therapy usually goes into depth about various issues and is usually past based. Coaching is also not consulting which involves the consultant giving you answers. Coaching is focused on the present and the future, and your coach works with you to enable you to find your own path and your own answers. There is definitely a place for all three - it just depends on what you want to achieve. One other thing to note - most coaches work with you by telephone, so you may never meet your coach face to face.

If you choose to work with a coach, you need to be sure that you feel comfortable with them. You need to be able to be brutally honest with them or else you aren't going to benefit. How do you find a coach? Good question – coaching is not a regulated profession and while there are various educational and certification programs, they are not mandatory, so research, interview, and ask for references. If you want a professional coach with accreditation, you can check out http://www.coachfederation.org/. It has information about the coaching profession and through it you can find a coach. Most coaches will offer a free session just to ensure that the coaching relationship will work.

I found my coach through the website above. I searched a few different ways and had two free introductory sessions, and chose one of those two. I highly recommend working with a coach; it is an amazing experience.

What Are Your Dreams?

Originally posted 14/07/2009 1:26:49 PM

How do you feel about accepting responsibility for your life? Do you get angry when someone suggests that you are responsible? Trust me, there was a time where I would rather have believed that things just happen to us, and that nothing in my life is my fault. It is so much easier to be a victim, but I can’t do that.  I have to accept that I created my life; all of it – good and bad. 

If you accept that you are responsible for your life, then it seems logical to say “if I am going to create my life; what do I want to create”? That is another big topic and it is difficult to know where to start so in this post, I will suggest couple of techniques to get you started.  There are literally dozens of ways to create your life, and there is no right way or wrong way. Before we talk about that though – it is really important to keep in mind what I mentioned before about not getting caught up in ‘how’. This first part of creating your life is about the big picture; the dreams you have for your life. Set aside your current reality, and set aside “how” you are going to get to what you want – just for this exercise. Think big. Our biggest problem is not that we aim too high, but that we aim too low. We'll get to the 'reality' part soon enough. 

Here are a couple of suggested ways to do this part – the visioning exercise and the lists.  To do the visioning exercise, set aside an hour of quiet time and sit with a pad of paper. Chose one of the areas of your life and simply close your eyes and think about how you would like that to look in five years. Create the full picture, or as much as you can of that picture. The more vivid your imagination – the better.  And yes, this is basically daydreaming but with a purpose. Once you have imagined, then you make notes on what you want; in detail. That is really crucial. The suggested areas can range from a short list of topics such as James Arthur Ray’s FRIPS (Financial, Relationship, Intellectual, Physical, and Spiritual) to a much longer list that can include: career, health, body, home, money, family relationships, intimate relationships (marriage and dating), relationships with friends, social and community involvement, contribution, legacy, spiritual growth, recreation, creative expression, and intellectual growth.  As you can see, those fit into the bigger categories but sometimes it helps to think about each area. 

The other method to create the big picture of your life is what I call lists. Write down 100 or more things that you want to be, to have, and to do in your lifetime. Then group those into categories. You can do either of these methods or any other method you prefer. 

What is essential is that you are deciding what you want your life to look like. Because if you are responsible for everything in your life; it may as well be things that you want!

Rocks and Responsibility

In my “Books I Love” blog I discussed Jack Canfield’s Principle #1 from The Success Principles which is “Take 100% Responsibility for Your Life”. It is a tough concept to grasp but I believe it is essential – you and only you, are responsible for how your life is going. Before you start with the inevitable ‘yes, but …’ where you explain that your circumstances are different, I will say that they aren’t. I agree, you don’t control the events in your life, but as Jack points out, you control your response to those events, and thus you control the outcome. If you don’t like your life then you need to change. Part of that is changing where you are focusing your attention. Think about it as needing to ensure that you are matching what you say is important with the attention that gets in your life.

There is a great story that I’ve heard a number of times that illustrates this point beautifully. A professor stands in front of a class with a large jar. He fills the jar with rocks and asks if it is full. The class answers “yes” because of course, it is full of rocks. He starts adding pebbles and as he places them into the jar, with a little shaking they fit in around the rocks.  And he continues until the jar is “full” of rocks and pebbles.  And again, asks the class if it is full. Some answer “yes” and some are not sure. He then starts adding sand, and of course, is able to fit in a large amount of sand. And again asks the question if the jar is full. By then the class knows that the answer is “no”.  Then he adds some water.  (By the way, don’t jump to the conclusion that the moral of the story is that there is always room to add things to your life!!!)  The moral of this story is that the jar represents your time and your attention. If you don’t put the rocks in first and then put in the pebbles (if you don’t focus on what is really important to you); then your days and your life get eaten away by the sand and the water. If you don’t pay attention and take responsibility, then you look up one day and realize that your life is not what you wanted. You will want someone to blame but you are the one who chooses how to fill your jar each day. 

Take a moment to identify your rocks and then make sure that you make space for those rocks in your life. Take responsibility to create your life! 

P.S.  I’ve paraphrased the story about the rocks – if you would like to read it as I first heard it, this is one version.

Business Success: Is It Really a Different Topic

Originally posted on 05/05/2009 10:44:37 PM

I am fascinated by the topic of the effective use of social media in business success. I am currently reading The Whuffie Factor by Tara Hunt http://www.thewhuffiefactor.com/

I had generally thought of my two current "information hobbies" - self development and social media use (actually - add a third - business success) - as separate. But over the last few days, I have decided that they really aren't as separate as I thought. Yes, on the face of it - they are very different. But as I read the variety of books that are "in progress" at the moment, I have decided that there are some underlying messages that are the same.  For example, The Whuffie Factor (subtitle "Using the Power of Social Networks to Build Your Business") seems to be about something bigger than that - at least to me. I have just been reading the chapter called "Building Whuffie By Listening To and Integrating Feedback".  Success (which we'll define at the moment for simplicity as "living the life of your dreams") comes about by deciding what you want and going after it. Going after it is something you do step by step; via goal setting. An essential part of goal setting is the need to listen to and integrate the feedback you get along the way. Continuously - not just once.  

Here are a few of the "rules" that Tara posts in The Whuffie Factor for listening to and integrating feedback. "Do not take negative feedback personally; remember that when people give feedback, they are doing so because they care". That's tremendously valuable advice for all of us.  It doesn't mean that you have to ACT ON all negative feedback because it isn't always in your best interest to do so. But if someone is giving you genuine feedback - they probably care and there is probably good information in it for you.  Remember too that genuine feedback is very different than what "dream stealers" might say to you. That's not genuine; that's designed to derail you from your journey. 

Another rule from Tara is a gem that applies to life in general "make small, continuous changes rather than waiting to implement everything at once". To me, that sums up changing your life. If you want to do something - start doing it now. If I want to start a new career, then I can start now by learning things about that career. I don't need to wait until I "have time" or until "the kids are grown". If I want to lose weight, then I can start to make changes in what I do everyday. I don't need to wait until I "have the money to join Jenny Craig" or I "have the time to eat right". There are countless examples of "I could but ...". Don’t wait – simply make small continuous changes and integrate feedback. That’s how change happens.  

Wisdom for business and life!

 

What Do YOU Want?

I love the phrase 'what do you want' because you can put the emphasis so many different places - it makes me smile when I say it with a negative tone "what do YOU want".  But what do you want? Have you been stretching inwardly to see?

If you think about it – as kids we know what we want and we go for it. Don’t get between a two year old and something they want - loud objections follow!  But somewhere, we lose that. Somewhere along the way in our journey through life “wanting” becomes a bad thing, so we stop wanting or thinking about what we want. “What do you want to do today” is often answered with “I don’t know”. Similarly with “what do you want to eat”. If you don’t know what you want to do today or what you want to eat when you are hungry, how are you going to know what you want to do with your life? I know that you might be thinking that knowing what you want to do today, or knowing what you want to eat, and actually going after what you want in life are very different things; but are they really? If you don’t know what you want; then your life becomes a series of random decisions that don’t take you anywhere.  “It is in moments of decision that your destiny is shaped”.  I don’t know who said that – I saw that unattributed quote on a wall in a store – but it has shaped my life ever since. As Anodea Judith says "our intention should direct our attention”.  

If you know what you want and have it clearly in your mind; then that guides your decisions (the big and the small decisions daily), and that guides your destiny. If you don’t clearly know what you want; then there isn’t anything guiding your decisions because you have no destination in mind.  Before you dismiss what I am saying, let me present an analogy. To not know clearly what you really want is like just getting in the car and deciding to go “somewhere.” If you don’t know where that “somewhere” is, how do you know what road to take, or when to turn right or left? You could drive for days and still be right where you started! Knowing what you want is the start to guiding your actions and moving towards what you want!

It is simple; if you want your life to go somewhere, you have to make choices in the direction of that somewhere. But if you don’t know where “somewhere” is – then every choice is random. Many people complain about where they are at in their lives. Who do they think got them there?  They did! There is a great Buddhist saying that boils down to if you want to know about your past choices, look at where you are now. If you want to know about your future, look at your present choices. 

We all choose where we end up, but we often fail to choose to do what we really want. That’s why wishes and dreams are so important. They help us avoid getting stuck in the box of our reality and allow us to imagine what we want. Let's do just that - let's create the lives that we want.