Thoughts on Personal Success

You Don't Know What You've Got Until ...

From Joni Mitchell’s song  Big Yellow Taxi

“Don't it always seem to go
That you don't know what you've got
Till it's gone”

Ever noticed that we really don’t know what we have until it’s gone? Ever noticed that when something goes wrong in your life, you just want back the life you had and didn't appreciate? 

I started to think about this when I was reading about Joffrey Lupul during the NHL All –Star weekend. I always embrace the ‘comeback’ stories but in this case, I really wondered if there wasn’t something more than the ‘comeback from injury story’. I don’t profess to know the Lupul situation – I just know that I had heard that prior to this injury, his lifestyle choices had gotten in the way of him achieving fully at the NHL level. As it outlines in this story– Lupul had injury and infection issues, and it looked like his career might end. He’s come back in great shape, is playing his best hockey, and was an All Star this year. The many stories about him emphasized how he worked to get himself in shape and keep himself that way. I've also heard that he has cleaned up his lifestyle choices (at least to the point that they don’t impact his game). This made me wonder how much motivation came from the realization that he almost lost his NHL career. In other words, perhaps he didn’t really appreciate what he had until he almost lost it.

Another hockey story that is even clearer about not appreciating what you have until you lose it -  Max Pacioretty. As he says  in this story “When you’re as close as I was to having everything taken away from you, you look at life completely differently. I think I grew up there in the 48 hours I was in a hospital bed.”

It is easy to look at those stories and shake your head and say "they should have appreciated what they had", because NHL players are viewed as having a pretty sweet life. But appreciating what you have isn’t just for people with big lives – it is for all of us. I’ve been listening to casual conversations differently with this awareness in mind. Listening to strangers, to my friends and to myself. I am starting to see things differently. What struck me in the past few weeks was how often all of us (myself included) complain. When you face a very serious health issue, I doubt that the price of humidifier filters would enter your mind as something to complain about. But get your health back, and complain you do! When you have had no income and been unable to find a job, complaining about the people you work with seems silly. But get the job and let the complaining commence!

I give you those real examples as context to invite you to think about those times in life when things were bad (health issues, jobless, relationship issues), and think about what you said to yourself. Quite often it is ‘if only I  … I would be okay’ (could get through this treatment, had a job, got through this divorce, found the answer to my child's illness). Now think about how you are after you got to that ‘if only’ and became used to it. Have you started taking that for granted? Are you once again filling your life with complaining and wanting?

What if we didn't wait to lose something to appreciate it? What if we chose to appreciate what we have instead of looking at what isn't right? I don't know the answers, but I intend to start living my life in differently so that I find out.

Do It!

In the last two posts we talked about the need for accountability, assistance, and forward movement when you are working towards your goals. We talked about the concept of resistance and that we aren’t taught how to overcome resistance. The obvious next step is to talk about how to create accountability, assistance and forward movement so that you can overcome resistance and succeed!

When you want to achieve a goal it can really help to work with a group, an accountability partner, or a coach. By doing so you have external accountability - in essence you feel you have someone to answer to.  Working with a coach or accountability partner can provide you with much needed assistance as you work towards your goal. The most noted benefit is that they will often see the feedback that you are missing. That means that you might get frustrated because the actions you are taking don't seem to be working. The objective partner/coach can help you decide if you need different actions or a firmer commitment to take action. It could be either, and again, that is why a coach or accountability partner can be valuable. By establishing check points you can see how you are progressing and whether you need to do something different. Don't live Einstein's definition of insanity "doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results". But don't give up! 

Resistance

Here we are - a week after I posted "Just Do It" and in that week did any of us DO any of the things that will move us towards our goals/towards what we want to achieve?  Did we do one thing each day? Did we do one thing?

Since we are all human, chances are we didn't. The overwhelming thing we all seem to have in common is that we fail to take action consistently or we fail to take the most appropriate action. Why? It is not because we are lazy, stupid, or any of the other things you call yourself at moments like this; it is because no one taught us how to overcome resistance.

I had never really thought about the concept of resistance until I read Steven Pressfield's amazing book "Do The Work". Steven defines resistance as "fear, self-doubt,  procrastination, distraction, perfectionism, etc." - whatever gets in the way of your getting things done.  Sound familiar?  Resistance comes up any time you try to make change in your life. Here's his list of activities that elicit resistance:

• any diet or health regime
• any program of spiritual advancement
• any activity whose aim is the acquisition of chiseled abdominal muscles
• the launching of any entrepreneurial venture
• the pursuit of any calling in writing, painting, music, film, dance, or any creative art
• education of every kind
• any act of political, moral or ethical courage including the decision to change for the better some unworthy pattern of thought or conduct in ourselves
• the undertaking of any enterprise or endeavor whose aim is to help others
• any act that entails commitment of the heart
• the taking of any principled stand in the face of adversity

 As Steven summarizes it - any act that rejects immediate gratification in favor of long-term growth, health or integrity will elicit resistance. See it isn't just me, it isn't just you; everyone has resistance as part of their nature. 

So what do we do? I would strongly suggest you read Steven's book. It is a short, easy read that is literally an action guide on what to do. It is a manifesto in overcoming resistance and doing the work. Here are a few bits of advice from it that are short but brilliant.

1. Start before you are ready. Meaning - many of us think we have to do things first before we take action. For example, don't research something to death - just start.
2. Suspend all self-judgement. Get something done - no matter how imperfect. For example, don't re-write as you go; write and then edit.
3. The answer is always yes. That one is my favorite. By that he means that if an idea pops into your head and it resonates with you, do NOT talk yourself out of doing it. Take action!
4. And finally - the work in progress creates its own energy field. I know how that one feels - once you start taking action, and you see progress, then it is easier to keep going and going. 

If you are working on any of the items that Steven listed that create resistance, I would suggest that you take his advice and Do The Work! And as part of that work - read the book.

 

 

As Nike Says ... Just Do It!

Originally posted 18/08/2009

I know that we all wish that we could magically change our lives without having to do something ... but the unfortunate (or fortunate) truth is you do have to act. Let's be honest - life change can be difficult at times because it requires persistent action. Here are a few suggestions that may help you create change in your life. 

One approach is to make a written plan that details what you want to achieve, by when, and what the stages along the way will look like. Your plan may need to start with something vague and bring it into focus bit by bit as you work towards your goal. For example, if you want to move to a warmer climate - think about when you might want to do that. Write that down. Where can you move to? What are you willing to take in exchange for that warmer climate (bugs for example)? Are there jobs there? Are you looking at leaving the country? Do you need a work permit? You need to start asking questions and doing research. Make notes. The key is to keep moving towards what you want through action and creating your plan as you go. 

Getting started and then maintaining momentum can be difficult, so you might want to get assistance. That assistance varies depending on what you want to accomplish. You might find a great book that helps, you might find a course to take, you might want to find a partner in change (someone who wants to accomplish something similar), you might find a mentor, or you might want to hire a coach. What you need is someone holding you accountable to taking the actions that you say you are going to take. You need someone to push you when you are being resistant. You need someone who can help you brainstorm when the actions you are taking don't seem to be working (roadblocks are inevitable). 

Confused about what I mean? Here are some examples. Think about a big weight loss goal - so not a few pounds but many. Weight Watchers works for a reason - there is accountability and there is assistance and coaching available to you. If you have a fitness goal, it is proven that signing up for a fitness class works better if you sign up with a friend because there is a sense of obligation to the other person to go with them.  That's what you want to create for your goal - accountability, assistance, and something to keep you moving. Don't dismiss working with a coach either individually or as part of a group. Many coaches offer group sessions that are applicable to a lot of people that are very reasonably priced. The keys are to start taking action and then to find a way to help you maintain momentum. In other words ... Just Do It!

 

Do You Need to Set Goals?

Originally posted 12/08/2009

There are differing perspectives on the value of goal setting particularly the value of setting goals in every area of life. I agree for many reasons. If you are new to goal setting it can be overwhelming to sit down and look at every area of your life, and even more overwhelming to establish goals and action plans in several areas. It is also true in cases where you are satisfied with your life in most areas so you don't see the need for goals. If goal setting doesn't resonate with you for whatever reason - here is a perspective that might. Even if you are in the habit of setting goals, this perspective might change your life. 

 During Alan Webber's Authors at Google talk about his book "Rules of Thumb - 52 Truths for Winning at Business Without Losing Yourself"  he said something very profound about his approach to goal setting which is less about goals and more about who he wants to be. He said that he believes that failure isn't failing - the only real failure is the failure to try. He asks himself "how will I feel about not having done ..." when he is thinking about opportunity. He also says that he knows what he doesn't want to say about himself in 10 years. 

Think about that. Is there something "big" that you would like to pursue? Do you have a "calling” that beckons you? Do you want to write a book? Pursue the acting career you gave up when you took the safe route in university? Have you been "sort of" trying to build a career, but really you have been avoiding giving it your all? Do you have an opportunity for a new career? Do you have the opportunity for a new business? Do you want to change jobs entirely? Is there something big that would change your life forever like losing 50 pounds? Do you want to run a marathon just so you can say you have? Do you want to move to a different part of the country? Do you want to make your family a priority in a way that you have never done before?

Whatever that ‘big’ thing is, think about it in the context of what Alan said. Ask yourself the question "how will I feel about not having done ..."? Can you live with saying "I didn't pursue <insert your dream here> because ...". If the answer is a sinking feel in your stomach, then you know that you really DO want to go after that dream and you need to take action because you know who you don’t want to be in 10 years.

I like Alan's approach. “What do you NOT want to say about yourself? The only failure is the failure to go after what you really want”.  That strips away all of the things that get in the way of real change.  

Two Powerful Questions

Originally posted on 31/07/2009

Glen Allsopp was the guest blogger on one of my favorite blogs today. His post entitled “Two Questions To Help You Gain Perspective” was brilliant. You can see the entire post by clicking the link, but I would like to add my thoughts to his two questions. If you answer these questions honestly, you will learn a lot about your destiny. "It is in moments of decision that your destiny is shaped".

Question 1: If someone had a video tape of your typical day, what would they see?

And as he says, he is not asking about bad habits or about a silly argument you might have had today, but about what you do on a typical day. Does your typical day include the activities that will move you toward the life of your dreams? Are you taking steps each day that will help you achieve your goals? Do you even have goals for your life? He also includes one of my favorite quotes.

“How you choose to live each day is, of course, how you choose to live your life”

And then it gets interesting.

Question 2: Based on your current actions and behaviours, where would you expect to be in five years?

As he says, this isn’t asking where you would like to be; this is asking you what you are currently doing and then projecting where you would expect to be. He is not asking you to think about your wishes, he is asking you to assess where your daily activities are taking you. Really – where are they taking you? And he included this quote:

“You can’t escape the consequences of your actions” - Steve Pavlina

Or as the Buddha says,

If you want to know your past life, look into your present condition; if you want to know your future life, look at your present actions.

Glen has give us all a brilliantly simple way of assessing our lives. If your life is perfect in every way, and you have the life of balance of your dreams, then your actions each day are keeping you there, and you probably don’t need to make any adjustments. For the rest of us – a simple, yet very effective way to see where we are going to be. And if we don’t like the answer to Question 2; if it isn’t where we want to be in five years; then all we have to do is change what we are doing each day. Simple … but not easy!!!

Do You Need a Coach?

Originally posted 19/07/2009

In  Help, I Don't Know What I Want, I outlined one method that you can use to decide what you want in your life.  Whether you used that, or any other method, here's the work. Take a look at your life as it currently is in all of those areas and then judge the gap.  The gap between what is and what you defined that you want. If it is big - if your current reality is quite different from the reality you want to create, consider working with a coach.That doesn't mean that you won't need other resources; it is simply a means to expedite your journey from where you are to where you want to be!

If you are new to the concept of working with a coach, it might be difficult for you to judge whether you would benefit. Who needs a coach? I think it is easier to say who doesn’t need one. If you have the life you want – completely, in all areas then you don’t need a coach… everyone else should consider working with a one! Okay – I admit, that is an exaggeration.  I would say that you need a coach:

• if you have a “bigger” goal that you are trying to achieve (one that will take you a long way out of your comfort “box”); 
• if what you want to achieve is something that you know you will struggle with because you have tried and failed in the past;
• if you have a lot of areas in your life that you want to change
• if you are trying to achieve change but you don’t know where to start. 

In all of those instances you could consider working with a coach.  Of course, that is not the only option. There are other resources that you can use.  I like to use running a marathon as an example because it is a fairly big goal and potentially big lifestyle change if you are fairly new to fitness. If you set that goal, to help you acheive it, you can buy books and magazines that tell you how to train; you can find resources on the internet; you can take a running clinic; you can work with a friend who has already completed a marathon; you can hire a personal trainer; or you could join a running group. Running a marathon is a great example of setting a goal, in my opinion because you can’t just decide to do it and do it. There is a process of change required. You know the big goal – running the marathon. The “how” to get there is well defined by the many who have done it before. Depending on the type of person you are, you can choose what resources will help you get there.  

So, take a look at your life and what you want to achieve.  Assess whether you can do it on your own, whether you can follow a path that someone else has laid out, whether there is a course you can take, or whether you want a coach.  Good luck!

 

Help, I Don't Know What I Want!

If you are at one of those places in your life where you really don't know what you want; then reading about how a coach can help probably has you frustrated and thinking "I don't know what I want so how can someone help me get it"?

If you don't know what you want; a coach can actually help you figure it out. Or if you prefer doing it yourself - try this exercise. This works best if you do it with a trusted friend but if you have to do it alone – write it out. For ten minutes (minimum) describe your life in 5 years but in the present tense. In other words, describe where you live, what you do, who you live with, where you vacationed – whatever! Describe it fully but do not use the phrases "I will" or "I hope to" - it is present tense all the way. "I live in..., I work at ..., I have ...". It is fun to do with a friend because you will probably find that you get very engaged and very passionate as you describe it to them. The role of the friend is simply to ask you to clarify what you want exactly, to ask you describe in more detail, and to prompt you about areas of your life that you haven't described. (You can reference the list of life areas in this post ). The role of the friend is not to tell you that you can or can't have what you want, and you must not censor yourself. Do not think "I can't do that". Just describe your life as you want it to be in five years. Once you have your life description - then the fun begins!

What Is Coaching?

Originally posted on 17/07/2009

Have you ever felt that you don’t know what you want in life? Seriously – have you? Are you at that point now? Have you ever wanted someone to talk to? The equivalent of the high school guidance counselor (a good one) might come in handy once in a while in adult life! There is an option – you can hire a coach.

Several years ago when I first heard about coaching, I was a little skeptical - why would anyone need to work with a coach? In my case, I have been interested in personal success (personal development) for about twenty years. I have gone to seminars and read books, and usually have been relatively successful in setting goals and achieving them to change my life. Not always in the easiest way - like most people, I have made good choices and really bad choices. But overall, if I really wanted to change something about my life - I did change it. So why would anyone need a coach? As I started to learn more about coaching, I started to think about it in a different context. Jack Canfield made the statement that "personal development or motivational seminars without follow-up coaching are nothing more than entertainment". In many ways, he is right. I don't doubt that everyone who attends seminars takes something away; but if you really want to change your life, then there are times when you need some help. That holds true whether or not you go to a seminar – sometimes there are spots in life where you can use some help and that’s where working with a coach can come in. A coach helps you identify what you want and then helps you make plans and assists in keeping you on track to get where you want to go. Coaches specialize in various ways. There are personal coaches, business coaches, parenting coaches, divorce coaches, executive coaches, and on and on.

To give you a bit of context on what coaching is; here is what it is not. Coaching is different from therapy. Therapy usually goes into depth about various issues and is usually past based. Coaching is also not consulting which involves the consultant giving you answers. Coaching is focused on the present and the future, and your coach works with you to enable you to find your own path and your own answers. There is definitely a place for all three - it just depends on what you want to achieve. One other thing to note - most coaches work with you by telephone, so you may never meet your coach face to face.

If you choose to work with a coach, you need to be sure that you feel comfortable with them. You need to be able to be brutally honest with them or else you aren't going to benefit. How do you find a coach? Good question – coaching is not a regulated profession and while there are various educational and certification programs, they are not mandatory, so research, interview, and ask for references. If you want a professional coach with accreditation, you can check out http://www.coachfederation.org/. It has information about the coaching profession and through it you can find a coach. Most coaches will offer a free session just to ensure that the coaching relationship will work.

I found my coach through the website above. I searched a few different ways and had two free introductory sessions, and chose one of those two. I highly recommend working with a coach; it is an amazing experience.

Rocks and Responsibility

In my “Books I Love” blog I discussed Jack Canfield’s Principle #1 from The Success Principles which is “Take 100% Responsibility for Your Life”. It is a tough concept to grasp but I believe it is essential – you and only you, are responsible for how your life is going. Before you start with the inevitable ‘yes, but …’ where you explain that your circumstances are different, I will say that they aren’t. I agree, you don’t control the events in your life, but as Jack points out, you control your response to those events, and thus you control the outcome. If you don’t like your life then you need to change. Part of that is changing where you are focusing your attention. Think about it as needing to ensure that you are matching what you say is important with the attention that gets in your life.

There is a great story that I’ve heard a number of times that illustrates this point beautifully. A professor stands in front of a class with a large jar. He fills the jar with rocks and asks if it is full. The class answers “yes” because of course, it is full of rocks. He starts adding pebbles and as he places them into the jar, with a little shaking they fit in around the rocks.  And he continues until the jar is “full” of rocks and pebbles.  And again, asks the class if it is full. Some answer “yes” and some are not sure. He then starts adding sand, and of course, is able to fit in a large amount of sand. And again asks the question if the jar is full. By then the class knows that the answer is “no”.  Then he adds some water.  (By the way, don’t jump to the conclusion that the moral of the story is that there is always room to add things to your life!!!)  The moral of this story is that the jar represents your time and your attention. If you don’t put the rocks in first and then put in the pebbles (if you don’t focus on what is really important to you); then your days and your life get eaten away by the sand and the water. If you don’t pay attention and take responsibility, then you look up one day and realize that your life is not what you wanted. You will want someone to blame but you are the one who chooses how to fill your jar each day. 

Take a moment to identify your rocks and then make sure that you make space for those rocks in your life. Take responsibility to create your life! 

P.S.  I’ve paraphrased the story about the rocks – if you would like to read it as I first heard it, this is one version.