Thoughts on Personal Success

What Is Coaching?

Originally posted on 17/07/2009

Have you ever felt that you don’t know what you want in life? Seriously – have you? Are you at that point now? Have you ever wanted someone to talk to? The equivalent of the high school guidance counselor (a good one) might come in handy once in a while in adult life! There is an option – you can hire a coach.

Several years ago when I first heard about coaching, I was a little skeptical - why would anyone need to work with a coach? In my case, I have been interested in personal success (personal development) for about twenty years. I have gone to seminars and read books, and usually have been relatively successful in setting goals and achieving them to change my life. Not always in the easiest way - like most people, I have made good choices and really bad choices. But overall, if I really wanted to change something about my life - I did change it. So why would anyone need a coach? As I started to learn more about coaching, I started to think about it in a different context. Jack Canfield made the statement that "personal development or motivational seminars without follow-up coaching are nothing more than entertainment". In many ways, he is right. I don't doubt that everyone who attends seminars takes something away; but if you really want to change your life, then there are times when you need some help. That holds true whether or not you go to a seminar – sometimes there are spots in life where you can use some help and that’s where working with a coach can come in. A coach helps you identify what you want and then helps you make plans and assists in keeping you on track to get where you want to go. Coaches specialize in various ways. There are personal coaches, business coaches, parenting coaches, divorce coaches, executive coaches, and on and on.

To give you a bit of context on what coaching is; here is what it is not. Coaching is different from therapy. Therapy usually goes into depth about various issues and is usually past based. Coaching is also not consulting which involves the consultant giving you answers. Coaching is focused on the present and the future, and your coach works with you to enable you to find your own path and your own answers. There is definitely a place for all three - it just depends on what you want to achieve. One other thing to note - most coaches work with you by telephone, so you may never meet your coach face to face.

If you choose to work with a coach, you need to be sure that you feel comfortable with them. You need to be able to be brutally honest with them or else you aren't going to benefit. How do you find a coach? Good question – coaching is not a regulated profession and while there are various educational and certification programs, they are not mandatory, so research, interview, and ask for references. If you want a professional coach with accreditation, you can check out http://www.coachfederation.org/. It has information about the coaching profession and through it you can find a coach. Most coaches will offer a free session just to ensure that the coaching relationship will work.

I found my coach through the website above. I searched a few different ways and had two free introductory sessions, and chose one of those two. I highly recommend working with a coach; it is an amazing experience.

What Are Your Dreams?

Originally posted 14/07/2009 1:26:49 PM

How do you feel about accepting responsibility for your life? Do you get angry when someone suggests that you are responsible? Trust me, there was a time where I would rather have believed that things just happen to us, and that nothing in my life is my fault. It is so much easier to be a victim, but I can’t do that.  I have to accept that I created my life; all of it – good and bad. 

If you accept that you are responsible for your life, then it seems logical to say “if I am going to create my life; what do I want to create”? That is another big topic and it is difficult to know where to start so in this post, I will suggest couple of techniques to get you started.  There are literally dozens of ways to create your life, and there is no right way or wrong way. Before we talk about that though – it is really important to keep in mind what I mentioned before about not getting caught up in ‘how’. This first part of creating your life is about the big picture; the dreams you have for your life. Set aside your current reality, and set aside “how” you are going to get to what you want – just for this exercise. Think big. Our biggest problem is not that we aim too high, but that we aim too low. We'll get to the 'reality' part soon enough. 

Here are a couple of suggested ways to do this part – the visioning exercise and the lists.  To do the visioning exercise, set aside an hour of quiet time and sit with a pad of paper. Chose one of the areas of your life and simply close your eyes and think about how you would like that to look in five years. Create the full picture, or as much as you can of that picture. The more vivid your imagination – the better.  And yes, this is basically daydreaming but with a purpose. Once you have imagined, then you make notes on what you want; in detail. That is really crucial. The suggested areas can range from a short list of topics such as James Arthur Ray’s FRIPS (Financial, Relationship, Intellectual, Physical, and Spiritual) to a much longer list that can include: career, health, body, home, money, family relationships, intimate relationships (marriage and dating), relationships with friends, social and community involvement, contribution, legacy, spiritual growth, recreation, creative expression, and intellectual growth.  As you can see, those fit into the bigger categories but sometimes it helps to think about each area. 

The other method to create the big picture of your life is what I call lists. Write down 100 or more things that you want to be, to have, and to do in your lifetime. Then group those into categories. You can do either of these methods or any other method you prefer. 

What is essential is that you are deciding what you want your life to look like. Because if you are responsible for everything in your life; it may as well be things that you want!

Rocks and Responsibility

In my “Books I Love” blog I discussed Jack Canfield’s Principle #1 from The Success Principles which is “Take 100% Responsibility for Your Life”. It is a tough concept to grasp but I believe it is essential – you and only you, are responsible for how your life is going. Before you start with the inevitable ‘yes, but …’ where you explain that your circumstances are different, I will say that they aren’t. I agree, you don’t control the events in your life, but as Jack points out, you control your response to those events, and thus you control the outcome. If you don’t like your life then you need to change. Part of that is changing where you are focusing your attention. Think about it as needing to ensure that you are matching what you say is important with the attention that gets in your life.

There is a great story that I’ve heard a number of times that illustrates this point beautifully. A professor stands in front of a class with a large jar. He fills the jar with rocks and asks if it is full. The class answers “yes” because of course, it is full of rocks. He starts adding pebbles and as he places them into the jar, with a little shaking they fit in around the rocks.  And he continues until the jar is “full” of rocks and pebbles.  And again, asks the class if it is full. Some answer “yes” and some are not sure. He then starts adding sand, and of course, is able to fit in a large amount of sand. And again asks the question if the jar is full. By then the class knows that the answer is “no”.  Then he adds some water.  (By the way, don’t jump to the conclusion that the moral of the story is that there is always room to add things to your life!!!)  The moral of this story is that the jar represents your time and your attention. If you don’t put the rocks in first and then put in the pebbles (if you don’t focus on what is really important to you); then your days and your life get eaten away by the sand and the water. If you don’t pay attention and take responsibility, then you look up one day and realize that your life is not what you wanted. You will want someone to blame but you are the one who chooses how to fill your jar each day. 

Take a moment to identify your rocks and then make sure that you make space for those rocks in your life. Take responsibility to create your life! 

P.S.  I’ve paraphrased the story about the rocks – if you would like to read it as I first heard it, this is one version.

Business Success: Is It Really a Different Topic

Originally posted on 05/05/2009 10:44:37 PM

I am fascinated by the topic of the effective use of social media in business success. I am currently reading The Whuffie Factor by Tara Hunt http://www.thewhuffiefactor.com/

I had generally thought of my two current "information hobbies" - self development and social media use (actually - add a third - business success) - as separate. But over the last few days, I have decided that they really aren't as separate as I thought. Yes, on the face of it - they are very different. But as I read the variety of books that are "in progress" at the moment, I have decided that there are some underlying messages that are the same.  For example, The Whuffie Factor (subtitle "Using the Power of Social Networks to Build Your Business") seems to be about something bigger than that - at least to me. I have just been reading the chapter called "Building Whuffie By Listening To and Integrating Feedback".  Success (which we'll define at the moment for simplicity as "living the life of your dreams") comes about by deciding what you want and going after it. Going after it is something you do step by step; via goal setting. An essential part of goal setting is the need to listen to and integrate the feedback you get along the way. Continuously - not just once.  

Here are a few of the "rules" that Tara posts in The Whuffie Factor for listening to and integrating feedback. "Do not take negative feedback personally; remember that when people give feedback, they are doing so because they care". That's tremendously valuable advice for all of us.  It doesn't mean that you have to ACT ON all negative feedback because it isn't always in your best interest to do so. But if someone is giving you genuine feedback - they probably care and there is probably good information in it for you.  Remember too that genuine feedback is very different than what "dream stealers" might say to you. That's not genuine; that's designed to derail you from your journey. 

Another rule from Tara is a gem that applies to life in general "make small, continuous changes rather than waiting to implement everything at once". To me, that sums up changing your life. If you want to do something - start doing it now. If I want to start a new career, then I can start now by learning things about that career. I don't need to wait until I "have time" or until "the kids are grown". If I want to lose weight, then I can start to make changes in what I do everyday. I don't need to wait until I "have the money to join Jenny Craig" or I "have the time to eat right". There are countless examples of "I could but ...". Don’t wait – simply make small continuous changes and integrate feedback. That’s how change happens.  

Wisdom for business and life!

 

What Do YOU Want?

I love the phrase 'what do you want' because you can put the emphasis so many different places - it makes me smile when I say it with a negative tone "what do YOU want".  But what do you want? Have you been stretching inwardly to see?

If you think about it – as kids we know what we want and we go for it. Don’t get between a two year old and something they want - loud objections follow!  But somewhere, we lose that. Somewhere along the way in our journey through life “wanting” becomes a bad thing, so we stop wanting or thinking about what we want. “What do you want to do today” is often answered with “I don’t know”. Similarly with “what do you want to eat”. If you don’t know what you want to do today or what you want to eat when you are hungry, how are you going to know what you want to do with your life? I know that you might be thinking that knowing what you want to do today, or knowing what you want to eat, and actually going after what you want in life are very different things; but are they really? If you don’t know what you want; then your life becomes a series of random decisions that don’t take you anywhere.  “It is in moments of decision that your destiny is shaped”.  I don’t know who said that – I saw that unattributed quote on a wall in a store – but it has shaped my life ever since. As Anodea Judith says "our intention should direct our attention”.  

If you know what you want and have it clearly in your mind; then that guides your decisions (the big and the small decisions daily), and that guides your destiny. If you don’t clearly know what you want; then there isn’t anything guiding your decisions because you have no destination in mind.  Before you dismiss what I am saying, let me present an analogy. To not know clearly what you really want is like just getting in the car and deciding to go “somewhere.” If you don’t know where that “somewhere” is, how do you know what road to take, or when to turn right or left? You could drive for days and still be right where you started! Knowing what you want is the start to guiding your actions and moving towards what you want!

It is simple; if you want your life to go somewhere, you have to make choices in the direction of that somewhere. But if you don’t know where “somewhere” is – then every choice is random. Many people complain about where they are at in their lives. Who do they think got them there?  They did! There is a great Buddhist saying that boils down to if you want to know about your past choices, look at where you are now. If you want to know about your future, look at your present choices. 

We all choose where we end up, but we often fail to choose to do what we really want. That’s why wishes and dreams are so important. They help us avoid getting stuck in the box of our reality and allow us to imagine what we want. Let's do just that - let's create the lives that we want. 

 

What Do You Want?

Originally posted on 26/04/2009 8:03:27 AM

Wishes and dreams - we all have them but what it really comes down to is do you know what you want? And if you do know; do you want whatever it is badly enough to allocate the resources to it, and keep your attention on it long enough to get it (set and achieve goals)? Obviously the first question is “do you know what you want”? I’m serious – do you know what you want?  If your first response is “of course”, then are you working towards being it/getting it/doing it (whatever “it” is)? If not, then do you really want it?  

I think we have trouble acknowledging what we really want, but that deep down, we do know; particularly if we listen. We all have a dialogue with ourselves and with those around us; and the clues are there - the statements I discussed in the previous posts. But I think that many of us have learned to censor what we want – to censor our wishes and dreams for a couple of different reasons. The first reason is something that is hard to ignore. When we want something, we immediately try to think of “how” we would do it/get it, and if we can’t immediately see how – we dismiss it and tell our self that we don't really want that. The second reason might be something that you aren't aware of - it is that insidious voice in your head that you may not even hear, but that gets in your way. Wanting change, wanting more, wanting anything somehow seems bad. Who hasn’t heard a teacher, parent, sibling, friend, or spouse say “what do you want now?” As if you wanting was a bad thing. Somehow we internalize that wanting leads to disappointment or that wanting is bad! So let’s get beyond that. 

To know what you want – you have to tune into your self. Andodea Judith in “Creating is Ecstasy” frames it this way. “Intention comes from the Latin: in(inward) + tender(to stretch). Thus, we stretch inward to determine what we want.” That’s such an incredibly cool way to think about it. Spend some time stretching inward and thinking about what you want without 'how' entering into it, and without feeling badly for wanting. Have some fun with it!

More on Wishes, Dreams, and Goals

As I said in the previous post, I think that the clues to what we want our life to be can be found in the phrases that we utter. Paying attention to that provides information that you can use to help you make goals. Wishes are things that you want to happen to you. Dreams are the big ideas of what you might want to do. Goals are the specific things you are going to do. That’s a big distinction. 

There was a part of me that wanted to dismiss wishes but wishes are great! Don’t stop wishing – in fact, write down your wishes. My list on “my50things” is what started me toward manifesting a longtime wish (almost a lifetime wish) – being in the building to see the Stanley Cup presented!!! Make your list of what you wish for, and update it constantly. Make it a game! But don’t expect your wishes to come true; you need to morph the wishes into something more specific and take action. I think this is where people have gone wrong with the Law of Attraction and The Secret – they think wishing is all they need to do. 

Dreams are more specific and tend to have more detail than wishes. Visualize your dreams and write those down. What do you want your life to look like – not just in one area, but all areas. I like James Arthur Ray’s FRIPS (Financial, Relationship, Intellectual, Physical, Spiritual).  Visualize your perfect day … what does your life look like? Who is in it? Where do you live? Where do you work? What do you do? Who do you work with?

I think that wishes and dreams can provide great clarity when you are thinking about what you want. By taking the pressure off and accepting that wishes and dreams have a place – you can explore possibility.  But then at some point you have to decide if you want to make them into reality. If you do, then you need to take action, and that’s where goals come in. Goals are what you are going to DO.  There is lots of information on goal setting - information on SMART goals. Information on the use of vision boards and other great tools!  Goals … that’s how my “wish” of seeing the Stanley Cup presented happened.  I took that wish and made it into a goal.  I got very Specific, Measurable, Attainable, Realistic and Timely and it happened! 

Wishes, dreams and goals - use them all to achieve the life that you want.

 

 

Wishes, Dreams and Goals

  Original post 19/04/2009 9:11:51 PM

I wish, I could, I should, I would, I will …

 

I have been thinking a lot about dreams and goals. I like the way Rick Pitino has related the two. As he says “Dreams are where we want to end up. Goals are how we get there. Dreams are our vision of where we are after our struggle, the prize at the end of the journey. Goals are the individual steps we take to ultimately deserve the prize”. That has made sense to me ever since I first read it – you need dreams, otherwise your goals are too small – they are the product of your limited reality. But what about wishes? Should we just stop ‘wishing’? I finally came up with a framework on how the three fit together and how we can use wishes and dreams to avoid getting caught in the “reality” trap when we set goals that only work within the box of our current reality.  

 

Do you know what you want? I think the clues are in the thoughts or the phrases that we utter and the words that precede them. The words that precede what we want are usually one of “I could”, “I should”, “I wish”, “I would”, or “I will”. They all have a place but realizing what those phrases mean will help you identify what you want.

 

“I wish” is clear – wishes are something we play with. We want them to happen to us. They are somewhat passive. “I could” is something that is like a dream (I could become a…)  It is more than a wish; it is the exploration of  possibility.  

“I should” – that’s the bad one!!! Avoid at all costs … because if you “should” do it; it usually means someone else has decided it for you. Sometimes “shoulds” arise from things we do well but don’t like doing. Sometimes “shoulds” come from societal or familial expectations. Realizing the source of the “shoulds” can help you decide if they are “coulds” or just something that can be dismissed.  

“I will” is your action statement! That’s when you set the goals and then take the daily steps to achieving them. Doing that is what is going to change your life and get you to your dreams and even your wishes. 

Finally there is “I would”.  I think that the “I would” statements mean you have hit a block on your “I will”. And getting through those blocks is what separates the achievers from the rest. 

Start to take note of what you are saying or thinking, and then use that information to decide what you really want. 

My Thoughts on Personal Success

I started blogging on a blogging platform that was recently discontinued. I was able to save all the posts and I am uploading those posts here in the order that I wrote them. I had to decide whether to upload the posts as they were written, or to edit, and I have chosen to edit them slightly but not alter the original message. I now have three blogs here – "Books I Love", this one "Thoughts on Personal Success", and "Business Thoughts from Business Dreams".  You can access them from the links in the top left menu.