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Thoughts On Purpose

Hello blog - I've been neglecting you lately.  There are reasons - there always are and the obvious one is that I got really, really busy.  But I know that the real reason I stopped is that I went through what every blogger goes through - and that is 'why am I writing'?  I know I answered that when I started blogging but I had to answer it again.  So here's my latest answer - I blog because of what Seth Godin said in an American Express Open Forum interview.  He said:

"Blogging is free. It doesn't matter if anybody reads it. What matters is the humility that comes from writing it. What matter is the meta-cognition of thinking about what you're going to say." 

The answer to 'why do I write' is that I blog for me.  I blog to share great ideas that I stumble upon on the web; I blog to share what I have read about and am excited about; I blog about the things that inspire me; and I blog about things that have worked for me and might work for you - whoever 'you' happen to be.   But mostly, I blog to force myself to take the information or idea or concept deeper than just thinking about it.  Because in explaining to others, in the meta-cognition that Seth speaks of, that is where true learning happens for me.  So whether there is one 'you' or many, I am going to write, because it is not for you, it is for me. 

If anyone happens to read what I write; that's awesome.  It is even more awesome if what I wrote is helpful or interesting or intriguing to them.  But please understand that I don't blog to tell anyone what they 'should' do or think or say.  Your life is yours and you are the only one qualified to make choices about that life. 

So thanks to the internet and this blog for making me think about purpose and making me realize that I want to think on purpose.  And yes, you can read that title two ways.  It can be my thoughts on my purpose for blogging or it can be that I want my thoughts to be on purpose (purposeful). 

Who Is It For?

One of the keys on the road to success is to understand WHY you are going where you are going.  Or why you are where you are! 

What motivates you to do something?  For example - what motivated you to go down a certain career path?  Potential to make good money?  To use your skills?  Potential to always be challenged?  Because you are 'following' the path that your parents set for you?  Do you even know?  Another example - also with career - what motivated you to take or create you current job?  Pay, prestige, benefits?  

Some of us can answer those questions when we talk about career and career related examples.  Generally, we know why we are in a certain job or on a certain career path; and we also know where we want to go. 

But often we are less clear about what motivates us in other areas of our life.  I think there is a need for clarity on the 'why' in our life.  This is particularly true of anything that involves you and your goals - what motivates you?  Why did you set a certain goal?  Why did you achieve or not achieve certain goals?   If you can't answer the question "why' then I think it is certain that the 'how' will elude you. 

Beyond that I think that there is an issue that is often ignored in goal setting.  Who is setting your goals?  Too often we end up with goals that are 'hand me down' - they are goals that were/are set for us by others.  Your parents tell you that you 'should' be a doctor and you become a doctor.  But did YOU want to be a doctor?  Society tells you that you 'should' get married so you vigorously pursue a relationship and finding someone to marry; only to find you are unhappy because it wasn't what YOU wanted. 

If you haven't already, take the time to think about what you really want.  Ignore the expectations of society, of your family, and of your peer group.  What do you want?  Once you have that clearly in your mind - set the goals that will take you there. 

Transformation Versus Change

"It's important to note that there is a difference between change and transformation. Where change is temporary; transformation is a significant and lasting change. It is change that doesn't allow you to go back to where you were before. We want to transform - not change." Shawn Phillips from Strength for Life

 

I think that is one of the most important statements that I have ever read.  I don't want change; I want transformation!  I want things to be different ... permanently.  Note that I really don't think there is anything wrong with my life - I just want permanent change in some areas of my life.  Perhaps it is the same for you.  You might want to transform something about your life or your business.  Using the word transform is significant for many reasons - here are two of them. 

 

First, if I say I want to change - my brain registers that as something I can do quite quickly.  After all - I use that word a lot.  I am going to change my clothes.  I am going to change the sheets.  I am going to change the toner in the printer.  Change - that's something quick ... right?  And I contrast that with how seldom I use the word transform.  I can't really think of when I would use that word.  Which is why I react to it differently, and on that deep down level - I know that transformation will take time.  And that is extremely important.  Because to be honest - almost anything that we want to do is going to take time.  If it were something quick - you would already have done it! 

 

Using the word transformation feels different.  Change is a day trip.  Transformation - that's a journey.  I am going to transform my health.  I am going to transform my finances.  I am going to transform my career.  I am going to transform my business.  Wow - none of those things will happen overnight - I need to be prepared for a journey if I want to do any of those. 

 

Knowing that transformation is a journey forces me to accept the need for focus.  And that's one of the other significant reasons that I like the word transformation - it implies the need for focus.  Focus is essential if you are going to create transformation.  That seems self-evident when I use the word transformation; doesn't it?  Does that word feel different to you?  Does it imply the need for sustained action (the need to maintain a focus)?   If I am going to transform my health; then I need to maintain a focus on changing my diet.  And maintain a focus on exercise.  Until my health is transformed and I have lasting new behaviours that support me; I need to focus.  If I am going to transform my finances - I need to analyze every aspect of my financial life and then make choices to live differently daily. 

 

Whatever you want to transform - your health, your wealth, your happiness, your business, your relationship ... you will need to focus on taking the daily actions that will take you towards that transformation.  You will need to look at every aspect of your health/wealth/happiness/relationship/business and see what you can do differently.  And then do it, do it, do it.  Just do it but not just once ... daily!

 

And that's the final thought - transformation implies the need to live differently daily (to take action daily) and to constantly evaluate how you can do that!  

The Brilliance of Philosophers Notes

If you are at all interested in changing your life; you are probably aware that there are hundreds if not thousands of books on every conceivable aspect of doing just that. You've probably heard great things about books such as Stephen Covey's The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, Jack Canfield's The Success Principles, or Shawn Phillips Strengths For Life to mention a few.  But like most people, you just don't have the time to read 100 books, or don't have the money.  And you probably also know that while many of these books contain similar messages; not every book will resonate with you.  So what do you do? 

Luckily for us - there is a solution.  The brilliant Brian Johnson has created Philosophers Notes which are the "Coles Notes" (Cliff Notes for Americans) of self-development books.  For $47 US you get 100 great books in pdf (and mp3) form.  Each Philosophers Note is a six page pdf summary of the "Big Ideas" from books such as the ones I named above.  Even better, if you don't want to spend the $47, Brian is now creating 10 minute video summaries which are yours to view for free!   Philosophers Notes TV!

The videos are part of the "50 Books in 50 Days Challenge".  The participants (including me) are reading one of the Notes each weekday, and watching Brian's video about the book.  This is probably one of the best uses of half an hour that I have ever come across.  I read the note, watch the video, and do the exercises in the Note (if any) or simply write down what I want to take away.  And it is something that I intend to keep on doing.  Half an hour a day is my new minimum commitment to self development information.  It is amazing to see how the layering of new information and new messages is helping me change rapidly.  I absolutely love it. 

Give it a try - 10 minutes to watch a video ... how do you lose???  As Brian says "More Wisdom in Less Time".

Forget Habits! Instead Focus On ...

Forget creating good habits or getting rid of bad habits!  Instead focus on creating rituals that will take you where you want to go! 

Having written about habits last night, today I was reading the Philosophers Note on Strength for Life by Shawn Phillips.  Shawn makes several key points including the distinction between habits and rituals.  He says "People tend to talk in terms of bad habits and good habits, but I prefer to think in terms of rituals and habits.  Think about it.  The difference between rituals and habits is that you choose to do rituals; you have some degree of awareness and intention".  I love that! 

So what rituals do you need to add to your life?  What do you need to do with awareness and intention?  Focusing on that is bound to take your life in new directions!

Focus on the Positive

Change should be positive!  It really should be - because we are trying to create the things we want in our life!  But I think that many of us fall into the trap of creating change in our lives by focusing on what is wrong.  We try to create change from a place of negative focus.  "I want to lose weight" or "I need to stop spending money".  I think it is more effective to create change from a positive focus.  "I enjoy creating physical health".  "I am building a solid financial foundation".  To me - those could represent the same two end goals but they are phrased more positively.  I don't know about you but I would rather focus on building a solid financial foundation instead of 'giving up' spending money.  I'd rather focus on creating health than I would on dieting. 

Let's take that positive focus to habits.  We often think of our habits as 'bad' (anyone else get a song in their head when I talk about bad habits?).  But we all have many good habits that serve us well.  For example, most of us brush our teeth regularly without thinking of it as a good habit.  But it is.  As you focus on creating change, decide what habits you want to build that will support your goals and forget about your so-called bad habits.  If your goal is to create physical health, don't focus on giving up eating in front of the TV or giving up fried foods.  Focus on building an exercise habit.  If that sounds stupid to you - trust me, exercise can become a habit.  I know many people (and yes I am one of them) that just automatically add activity to the majority of their days.  We do it because that is what we do; not because we 'should'.  What actions do you want to become automatic?  Do you want to train yourself to eat vegetables?  I did that.  I truly was never a fan of vegetables.  I knew that I needed to eat more of them and several years ago, I made a commitment to choosing more vegetables.  And now - it really is habit.  I eat a lot of salads and veggies and dip.  And I actually crave vegetables.  Weird, but true.  If you create the habit of eating lots of vegetables - particularly raw ones - you will probably end up eating less of your bad habit foods.  Veggies take time to eat and they are filling!  By focusing on adding something to your life, you create positive feelings about change and don't feel as deprived. 

So think about what habits you need to add to your life.  Don't worry about what you need to drop - just focus on the positive.  If you don't know what habit to add - check in with someone who seems to have created what you want to create.   If you know someone who lost a lot of weight and you would like to lose weight - ask them about their habits.  If you know someone who was struggling financially and now is not - ask them what they did.  Most of our goals will take a while to achieve.  When we automatically take the actions that will help us achieve the goals - when we have the supportive habits - then reaching the goal will be easier.

Here's your actions from this post.  First, look at your goals and ensure that they are built from a positive focus.  If they aren't - change them.  Second, think about what habits you need to add to your life that will help you achieve those goals and commit to creating those habits.  Sound positive?  Good!

Picture You ...

Creating change by achieving your goals takes time!  Often a long time!  I think weight loss is the easiest way to relate to this.  If it took you five years to gain 50 pounds then you aren't going to lose the 50 pounds in a week.  In a year - maybe.  But a year is a long time to keep focusing, so what often happens is that we lose focus and give up on achieving our goals.  And that applies to all goals - weight loss, fitness, creating financial health - whatever your goal, it will take time to achieve it.  Directing your energy to taking daily action requires retraining - retraining yourself to remember who you are not who you were.  Or who you are becoming if that makes more sense.  So how do you retrain yourself?  

There are many steps and stages and strategies for that.  This blog entry is about one of those ways and it is literally about the importance of visual reminders - pictures and words.  There is evidence that our mind reacts to pictures in a way that we are just starting to understand.  Experts recommend using pictures to help you train your mind and assist you in achieving your goals.  The most often recommended way of using pictures is through vision boards.  Many successful people use vision boards and highly recommend their use.  If you have never heard of a vision board - this is one description.  As it says - the vision board is a representation of your goals in pictures.  There are suggestions on that site on how to make a vision board but there are no real rules.  Personally, I have had vision boards that are display boards - the type that stands up when you open it out.  About 36" high and about 48" wide.  Those are great because you can open them up and focus on your goals a couple of times a day  I have also used binders when I wanted my vision board to be portable.  Currently I am using Post-It Notes (you can buy large ones about 25" x 30").  I find they are great because I can move them from room to room and I end up 'seeing' them again.  All my vision boards - whatever format - have been (are) filled with images that represent my goals.  They are fun to look at!  (A very practical note - scrap-booking supplies are an awesome source of images for your vision boards, and the little double sided tape photo squares that are sold with scrap-booking supplies are perfect for attaching things to your board, binder sheets, or Post-Its).  

Since the movie The Secret - there are a ton of websites where you can make your vision board online.  Or you can buy kits to make them.  In addition to my Post-Its, I am using the Tut website.  Tut Adventurers Club is Mike Dooley's creation (he was in The Secret).  Once I created my vision board on that site - I saved it as a picture and made it my desktop wallpaper.  That vision board is great because I see it every time I sit down at my computer.  It has all my goals represented and it incorporates my theme words.  I also have three big Post-it Note vision boards - one for each of my goals based on the theme word that I chose to represent that goal.  They are currently on my bedroom wall and I see them when I am in bed and when I leave the room.  Great reminders!

There is one other thing I am in the process of doing that also uses Post-It Notes.  These ones are 8" x 6" and are brightly coloured.  I am going to use them for my theme words and place them where I can see them often - to remind me of my themes for the year. 

Have some fun - set aside an afternoon and make a vision board.  Make the picture of where you are going!  The picture of the new you!

Try Changing the Picture

Here we are - through the first month and a half of 2010.  How's it going for you?  Sticking to your New Year's resolutions?  Pursuing your 2010 goals?  Are you still taking the daily actions you need to take to move your life in the direction of your dreams?  If you are like most people, you have forgotten all about your resolutions and your new goals have taken a back seat as your life got back to being busy.  But how do you feel about that?  Is it bothering you?  Do you really want to create change?  If so, it isn't too late!  Actually, it is never too late to change your life!

Remember the discussion of being consistent versus intense?  How do you become the person that takes consistent daily action?  How do you make new habits (if you need them)?  I think that part of it is changing the picture of you that you see in your head.  Does that make any sense?  Let me explain ...

Ever spent time with an old friend who had radically changed their appearance and then when you thought of them after - you would see the old version of them?  Then you had to remind yourself that they weren't that person anymore.  And what you would do in response is you would 'change the picture in your head'!  And see them as they are not as they were.  This happened to me several years ago. I went to visit a friend of mine that I hadn't seen in a few years.  I picked her up from work and almost didn't recognize her.  She had lost 50 pounds and had cut her hair very short! (And hadn't mentioned that to me)!  Wow - dramatic change!!!  And for the longest time, the picture in my head when I would think of her was the old her - not the new her.  And I would have to remind myself to change the picture in my head.

Here's another example that happens to all of us as we age.  I've recently become reacquainted with a friend from my hometown.  We were chatting the other night and I mentioned my cousin's children (again).  His response was that he had trouble with the fact that she had kids, because even though he saw her recently, she is still 7 years old in his head!  He hasn't changed the picture in his head to an adult version of her.  We've all had that happen with kids we haven't seen in a while - they stay the age they were when we knew them better.

I think we need to do that with ourselves as well.  If we want to change something, then we need to first see ourselves as that person.  Not just when you are visualizing (which is an essential element of change), but as much of the time as possible.  That way whenever you are faced with choice, you choose in the direction of where you want to go - not where you have always gone.  So, if your goal is to get fit and your strategy to achieve that is to  go to the gymn three mornings a week - become that person in your own mind.  When you picture yourself in the morning - see your day starting a the gymn.  Change the picture!  It helps!

Life Lessons from Uncle Curly

My uncle passed away recently.  It wasn't a sad passing because he was ready to go (he repeatedly told his family that), and his health was failing.  So I am glad that Curly is no longer suffering.  But I have come to realize how much I will miss his presence here on earth, which is strange because I didn't see him very often at any stage of my life.  Acknowledging that I would miss him allowed me to reflect on his life and identify what was special about Uncle Curly. 

I don't think I would shock anyone who knows me by admitting that family gatherings have never been my favorite thing.  They just aren't.  But I always liked talking to Uncle Curly any time he was around; even at a family gathering.  In thinking back on those memories, I finally identified why I liked Curly so much.  Curly would converse with me.  He asked questions and he was interested in my answers.  He placed no judgement on my life - no judgement on my choices - he was simply interested in me and what I was doing.  Do you know how rare that is?  How rare it is to talk to someone from another generation who never uses the phrase 'you should'?  And more generally, how rare it is to talk to someone who is interested in your answers?  There are very few people who don't view a conversation as an opportunity to talk about themselves.  Most people will take your answer to a question as an opening to talk about their life.  Generally, you don't even have to ask them a question!

The other thing about Curly that my cousin identified, is that she always noticed that Curly was happy.  Happy to be where he was.  Happy to talk to whoever was around.  And happy to give - of his attention, his time, and his money (when he found out my cousin and I were going to Las Vegas, he gave me money to buy our first drinks!  It is still something we talk about ... almost 15 years later). 

So in honour of him, I want to learn from this.  I want to choose to be happy because it is a choice.  And I want to remember to listen to people - really listen.  I'll miss you Uncle Curly and I will have a beer in honor of your memory ... maybe just not an Old Vienna!

You Have To!

You Have To is an oft used phrase.  We hear it from our parents, from our significant other, from our boss, from our friends, from our priest – the list goes on and on.  But the phrase is used without much thought about what it means.  If you utter those words, what you are saying to the other person is “if you do not … then I will …”.  Because you cannot control how another person acts.  They are in control of their actions.  You control your actions, and only yours.  So, if you say you have to then you need to be prepared to act on whatever consequences you define or imply. 

 

Let me explain.  If a parent says to their child you have to … and the child does not – the parent is implying consequences - usually punishment.  Work situations can be somewhat clear too – if you say to an employee you have to … when discussing their performance, then the clear implication is ‘or else I will …” (terminate your employment, demote you, not give you a raise, etc.).   The employee can argue that they are doing a good job, but ultimately, the judgement is in the hands of the employer.  If the employee does not respond to you have to then the employer can act.  (And yes, I know that it is often not that simple but I am trying to make a point!). 

 

In our personal relationships, we forget how this works.  We say you have to without realizing that the other person really does not ‘have to’.  They choose whether or not they do and then you choose your action.  The funny thing is – this is what people seem to miss and they stay in a relationship for years fighting about what the other person ‘has to’ do. 

 

Feel free to keep uttering the words you have to but realize that what you really mean is 'if you don't  ... then I have to ...'.   The only person that 'has to' is you.  When you 'get' this and start acting on it - that's when you will look yourself in the eye (literally or figuratively) and realize that you can't make anyone: stop lying to you; clean up their room; do their work; appreciate your work; stop being unfaithful; stop overeating; stop spending money.  The other person chooses what they do.  When you realize that you are in charge of your life and accept that the other person is in charge of theirs; then and only then can you make valid decisions.  If you get stuck waiting for the other person to do whatever you have defined as you have to; your life is stuck too!  Take your life off hold and realize that you are the one who has to!  Stop talking and start taking the appropriate action for you!